won't you be my neighbor?

You know, growing up (as if I'm old and wise at the ripe old age of 21) I always watched movies and shows where everybody knew their neighbors. The characters would emerge from their house in the mornings to pick up the paper, and for some reason, there was always a neighbor watering their lawn. They would look up and wave, smiling grandly, and say, "Hey there, main character! How is that project of yours coming along?"

"Oh, *chuckles* you know how those things can go, Fred!" And then the main character would walk back inside with a sense of belonging.

It always seemed too good to be true, and the longer I live at my apartment complex, the more I realize that hollywood is, in fact, full of lies.

I don't know my neighbors personally, and from my initial impression of most of them, I don't want to. You may remember me mentioning one in my valentine's day post, saying that I might try to be nice to him, for holiday's sake. That didn't happen, by the way. He irked me so much the next day that I threw that good idea out the window.

Anyway, here they are:

1. The Shrew
He got this name from the mere fact that he never emerges from his apartment, unless it is to run out really quickly, drop his trash in front of his front door, then literally slam the door shut. He doesn't seem to realize that the trashcan is actually 30 feet away, and instead, his stinky garbage sits in everybody's way, especially ours, since we have to pass by it on the way in or out of the complex. We don't all want to know how many boxes of Tostino's Pizza Rolls you had this week, buddy. When we have run into him, he gives us a look that plainly displays his inferior view of us and quite possibly the whole world. I tried to be nice to him on Valentine's day, but couldn't do it.

2. Bad Parking Girl
This girl's car is obviously so in love with mine that it must park itself 4 inches from my driver's side door everyday. She must indulge her car's love affair with mine, and I'm sure that it brings her great pleasure to watch me wedge myself between the two cars and try to open my door without leaving a sizable dent in hers. Also, we think she has super powers, or at least, bionic hearing, because she used to have these detachable magnet signs on her car, and one day, Evan and I joked about removing them. The next day, they were locked inside of her car, and she glared at us when we went to check the mail. Hmmmm.

3. Cigar Guy
Technically, this guy is my favorite, and sadly, he moved away last year. Anyway, right around dinner time, we'd always see this guy standing at the curb of the complex, peacefully smoking a cigar. To add effect, he did it under the one street lamp, and it gave the whole evening a film noir kind of feel. While I don't mean to condone smoking on any level, it seemed to fit this guy, and his cigars always smelled kind of good. We miss you, Cigar Guy.

4. The Screamers
This is a newlywed couple that lives downstairs, and apparently, the honeymoon stage is over. Over and dead.

5. Abstinence Girl
This is the person who has the space to the right of us, and all we really know about her is that she has a giant bumper sticker on her car that reads "I have lived with abstinence and have no regrets!!!" This is great, and kudos to her. The confusing part, however, is that she wears the most provocative clothes I have ever seen. We're talking super short skirts, and cleavage abounding shirts. Way to send mixed signals.


I can only imagine what our neighbors think of us, and what nicknames we have earned. I know that it probably wasn't the wisest idea to live on the top floor when we are both verifiable klutzes and drop just about everything, the sound of which I know reverberates through the floors of the complex. Also, Evan has a subwoofer that is the size of a small pony, and it can send some booms through the county, much less the complex. And the coup de gras of this whole thing is that we are both complete nightowls and are prone to laughing fits at 2am. Hm.

So, I know we're not the ideal neighbors. Maybe we haven't learned enough about being neighbors to belong in a Pleasantville type place just yet. Maybe freak-filled apartment complexes like this are a training ground or something.

All I know is that we're not moving anytime soon. :)